cd4…and in pain :(

My ChartI hate pain but I guess over the years of dealing with it day in and day out you get sort of used to it. I also hate that I cannot be a ‘normal’ woman without medication…it really sucks!! I don’t know if it’s okay to be angry about this but it makes me REALLY angry that I have to go through this. I almost wish people would go through some sort of pain in their lives so that they can sympathize with me but then I wish this on no one! What really takes the cake is when a really close friend tells you that she has pain and she deals with it without medication! What sort of ‘friend’ tells you that and implies that you are just being a baby? First off, YOU AREN’T ME AND YOU DON’T FEEL WHAT I FEEL, now I feel better. You know on Grey’s they ‘dance it out’…I feel like ‘screaming it out’.

I have an appointment with the Dracula Nurse this afternoon to see if I did indeed have a miscarriage or if I was just imagining the enormous amounts of tissue coming out of me. Mind you this is the nurse that told me to just ‘give up’ and it’ll happen b/c that’s what she did. ARGH! If I didn’t have a MC than I start my new round of Clomid tomorrow and hope for the baby lottery this month.

I’m so tired of ‘trying’ it’s hard work and I’m pooped! So, wish me luck this cycle b/c I feel like I’m gonna need it. At this point I would give anything to know that I could at least get pregnant. I feel as if we’re on a never-ending set of stairs and we keep getting pushed back to the first floor of this whole TTC journey. We moved forward a bit b/c I actually ovulated but that’s as far as it ever went. Let’s pray for another step in the RIGHT direction.

Sorry for my ramblings but this is how I vent…to save my marriage the strife!


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. S Roy
    Feb 04, 2009 @ 22:14:21

    I did have a chemical pregnancy 2 months ago but it was just reg AF flow with lots of cramps. What kind of pain are you talking abt? AF cramps? I do have them and they are terrible becoz pain killer don’t help at all. I have started following some herbal regime which seems to help a bit but not much…we’ll see! I hope it goes well for you. Nice blog I know how it helps to keep you from tearing your hair!


  2. Erin
    Feb 05, 2009 @ 05:17:29

    Hey-I will be praying for you. I don’t really have any idea how tough what you are going through is, but if I can be there for you in any way let me know. Love you Serena!


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