Bittersweet Moment…

Today was our due date for little Garcia #1…it’s been a tough day coming since we got our BFP on Dec. 15th. I’ve been thinking of this day and assuming it’d be one of the hardest days I’d ever have to endure but it’s bittersweet. I will forever miss little one but it almost seems like we lost that one so that Sofia could come, a huge sacrifice. When I mentioned it to the hubbs I couldn’t help but cry and it was unexpected b/c I thought I was stronger than that and that it was okay but I just broke down. Then later on I talked about it more and it was much easier to speak about. Here’s my fav pic, has both little eggs in my birds nest and we’re on the beach…it was a beautiful moment.

I love both of my little ones, I will have them all together once again some day.

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Moving on?

There’s a song that came on my Pandora station about 6 mo. ago and I have absolutely fallen in love with it. It’s called ‘In my arms’ by Plumb. It seriously makes me cry like a baby, seriously cry. It means so much to me b/c I see it as a mother’s love and everything a real mother would do for her little ones. I AM a mother, I don’t care what anyone says…I love my baby and even though I don’t get to meet him/her till I’m gone from this world nothing will ever change that love. This is where I cry:

Castles they might crumble,
Dreams may not come true,
But you are never all alone,
Cause I will always, always love you.

Here’s the best video I could find for viewing…not perfect but you get the point:

It’s a Christian song and I didn’t know that till months after I heard it but it works for this situation too…

I’m trying to heal but it’s harder than I thought, everyone keeps telling me I can’t stay upset and angry. I try to take the advice but I’ll see something and it’ll just set me off and I’ll cry uncontrollably. I got sent a stupid message through email from another girl who is pregnant (and it just happened for her after trying 1 month):

“I am really sorry that you lost your baby, and will keep you in my prayers. It must be the hardest thing ever. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.”

How am I to take this? I’m sure she means well but wow…just shoot me while you’re at it. So, I’m trying to move past this but wow it’s hard, everything reminds me of my baby.

Pray for me, I sure do need it.
-Serena

My miracle.

It was truly a miracle to see an extra line on the pregnancy test. A complete miracle that I, and everyone around me, thought would never come soon enough. It has been 7 1/2 years since we’ve been wanting to expand our little family and no glimmer of hope ever was so bright as was on Dec. 15th when we got 3 positive pregnancy tests!

Dec. 15th: I came home from work exhausted and ready for bed but couldn’t sleep b/c my back had been killing me for the past few weeks and I had no idea why. I was also 2 1/2 weeks late for my period…wanting AF to rear her head b/c I wanted to start trying again for the next month. I only had a few months left to try before the hubbs was getting dep. for work. I remembered I had one old test under the sink so what do you know…I couldn’t resist. Well I gave it 10 min to set b/c I don’t want to look too soon as to be completely devestated when I just knew it was going to say BFN! Well the prego line came up light and the control line never came so I was freaking out. I called a friend to determine that I was just insane and reading the test wrong but I couldn’t help myself…I drove my wrecked car (that happened earlier that day) the 1/2 mile to the closest CVS @ 1145 to get another test. I was prepared with a huge bottle of water, candy, and a box of 3 digital tests…now for the pee! 10 min later I couldn’t wait, I had to take a test and sure enough it said: PREGNANT! There was actually no “!” at the end but I sure had to imagine it there. 

Dec. 16th: Gabe came home @ 1am and I told him to look in the bathroom b/c I had to tell him something. Mind you I wrecked the love of his life (the other red head…his S2000), he thought I broke something else and was preparing himself to not kill me. He didn’t see the two tests on the counter so I pointed downwards and he looked at me like I was lying!! He said,”That’s not your pee…and is it too soon to start planning the tree house”! Sure enough he cried and was too stinkin excited. I didn’t believe it yet so I took another test 30 min later and sure enough within 1 min it said: PREGNANT! Well sleep was sorta out of the question but the morning wouldn’t come quick enough b/c I wanted to check my blood to confirm!

I made an appointment  for that afternoon (no insurance till Jan 1st) and paid in full for a stinkin blood test to check my Progesterone (I’ve been previously lacking in this hormone) and my betas. On my way back to work from the doc office I stopped to get another test (different brand just to make sure the tests weren’t tainted)…and of course it said: PREGNANT!

Dec. 17th: That Friday we had our company Christmas lunch and trip to bowling and I was anxiously awaiting confirmation from the doc office that I was preggers. Sure enough during lunch they called with my #1 Beta: 3260, I was 6wk 4d! I was sure I was having twins 🙂 So we schedule another blood draw for Dec. 20th to see if the numbers will double.

We had originally decided that if we were to ever get prego we would wait till 13-14 wks to tell anyone b/c of complications and to save my emotions just in case something went wrong but I told him that I wanted the important people in my life to know b/c I wanted them to be there for me just in case something bad did happen. So as soon as I told him that he called his mom, he couldn’t wait!

After I got home from work the hubbs and I went to Babys-r-us to pick out some photo frames for our families…and just b/c I was so excited!! There was a real crying moment b/c the hubbs started to feel this was real and was so excited to become a father. He wanted to do so many things and had already started planning on projects to do with our baby on the way.

Dec. 18th: This weekend was the weekend we go to visit my family for Christmas so we wanted to surprise them with our news even though we hadn’t know for too long and we had the only confirmation of a blood test…we couldn’t wait b/c this was a 7 yr miracle waiting to be shared! We gave my dad a photo frame with the pic of the test in it, he opened it in front of all my aunts and uncles and was completely stunned. Later on that night we went by my mom’s house and did the same: a photo frame with the pic of the test in it. I actually video recorded it and it’s priceless!

Dec. 19th: Over the past week I had been noticing the expansion of my waistline…thinking I had just had too many tacos that day but it would never go away. Well it was the preg. bloat and nothing would fit me comfortably so we went on a lil’ shopping trip!

Dec. 20th: I head back in for another beta test and keep my fingers crossed!!

Dec. 21st: #2 Beta: 4285 It didn’t double but it still went up, I knew this was a grey area b/c it was bad that it didn’t double in 4 days but I also knew it was still a good sign that it went up. They prepared me for the worst but I kept hope that anything is possible and that God wouldn’t be that cruel to me to take 7 years to fufill a promise and then 7 wks later take it away. Well we schedule a sonogram for the following day to check to see how things were going inside.

Dec. 22nd: 1 internal ultrasound + $200 = no heartbeat yet and nothing but a sac

I knew this was okay b/c we were still early and if we were carrying twins it was possible to be earlier than we thought and things just wouldn’t have shown up yet. I kept hope and kept praying for God to not take my baby just yet…

Dec. 27th: 8wks, internal ultrasound showed no heartbeat and baby not growing. My amazing doc prepared me for what was to happen. I love her and think she was a Godsend b/c she held my hand as I cried and told me it was going to be okay. It was a good sign that we got pregnant to begin with but that either my body wasn’t ready or that something was wrong with the baby and that it was better that it hadn’t survived – things would have just been hard and cruel for the baby had it lived with physical/mental disabilities. We left the office with no bills, the doc didn’t charge me for the visit/sono, w/ no insurance for another week this was one of the sweetest things someone could have done for us…considering she’s just my doc.

I don’t remember this day completely b/c I was mostly in shock, but worse I was angry. Angry at the world, angry at my body, and mostly angry at God. Wondering why in the world would he tease me this way…give me the joy of a baby that I’ve longed for for so long and then viciously take it away. I just didn’t understand. I cried myself to sleep with the hubbs holding me tight.

Dec. 28th: The day when all hell broke loose. I started to bleed out, everything was on it’s way down the toilet, literally and figuratively. It was all going to be over soon, all back to normal in a couple of weeks. I was passing clots everytime I went to the bathroom.

Dec. 29th: The worst day of pain, I had never felt this much pain before…I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t turn over, I couldn’t breathe. I was in so much physical pain it sort of numbed my emotional pain.

As of today everyone knew (that we had told of the pregnancy so far) of our tragedy and no one had come to my rescue. I had a couple of texts and messages telling me that they’d be there for me if I needed them to, but no one made themselves known and made them a part of my pain. I can understand them not knowing what to say or how to approach the situation but to sit back and not offer any words of encouragement? What sort of friends did I have, or the lack there of? An amazing friend brought me comfort food (this is where the eating began) and words of hope, a hug, and a shoulder to cry on. I am forever in debt to her for her generosity.

Dec. 30th: We head to Cali to visit family and get away from reality for the next week.

Jan 1st: Nothing would have prepared me for such a sight. The baby came out. I screamed for the hubbs and we shared a moment together that I will never forget. He held me so tight and told me it was going to be okay, that soon it would be over and that he would always love me. We said our goodbyes.

Jan 8th: The bleeding had stopped and I’m feeling back to normal again…almost as if nothing happened. Like I was never pregnant to begin with. Back to square 1, a barren wife unable to give the hubbs children. We head back home to reality, work, friends, and an empty nest.

Jan. 10th: This was a hard day, I guess it was the first day back to reality and back to work to see 2 women who are pregnant and their looks of sympathy…I wasn’t ready for that! My dear friend who brought me dinner 2 weeks ago invited me to dinner and a chat so I went knowing that I’d probably cry the whole night and sure enough…I did. She brought along another friend that had been through a similar thing years ago, she didn’t know what was going on with me but as soon as I told her she cried for me and tried to offer any sort of words of encouragement. The one thing that really stuck and that is helping is,”You will go to bed one night and realize you didn’t cry as much today as you did yesterday…and then you’ll believe you can get through it”. That is the one thing that I’m holding onto, hoping that as each day passes, I cry less.

Jan. 11th: That same person who offered me advice from one mom to another called and said she was dropping by for a small talk to check in on me. Granted I know her but I’m not close enough with her for this to happen. She showed up with beautiful flowers and a kind heart that this too shall pass. I love that she has been exactly what I needed and she did it out of love in her heart for our God b/c she doesn’t know me and she doesn’t know how my heart has been aching for the past 7 years!

-So my conclusion and my feelings are all over the place, I don’t know when or if I will go back to the Serena I once was but I will definitely always love my baby that I never met. I will trust in God, even though I don’t want to right now…I know there is a plan for me. I have to trust that there is a hope and that He wouldn’t let me desire the impossible. I have to be okay with this, I know I can’t change it but I’m just a bitter woman. I’m angry at my “friends” and family, but the hubbs keeps reminding me that they probably didn’t know where to start and how to comfort. I say bologna!!

I just have to learn to forgive and learn to move on and that maybe tomorrow I won’t cry as much as I did today.

2010 was the year of miracles…

Here’s my list of accomplishments of 2010 ‘The good, the bad, and the ugly’:

1. Happy to get my hubby back after a long freakin dep!

2. I went snowboarding for the first time ever!! I wasn’t amazing or anything but I did learn to do flips 🙂

3. 7yr anniversary trip was amazing, I love the hubbs so much more  than I ever thought possible. He is an amazing man and I am one luck gal.  

4. I booked my 1st paid wedding! I had been waiting for this day and I was so proud!

5. Our annual trip to Cali to visit family was a huge success! I met 2 future sister-in-laws who are absolutely amazing, learned some more Spanish, and got to visit some cool places!

6. We made great friendships, had awesome bbq’s, and enjoyed family out by the pool!

7. The month of life and death. As I said goodbye to a dear family member, I said hello to a new one. My cousin Terry died tragically in an accident the same day my bestfriend’s second daughter was born. I was photographing my first birth when I got the news…that was a hard day.

8. We added a new member to the family: My Else…Audi A6! She’s an oldie but ever so faithful!

9. I had an awesome bday (I was a bit sad turning 26) so they made it one special day for me! I got a special made bunny cake from my favorite 3 yr old (Faith) and a fun night out with friends!

10. My cousin, Tracy, was telling me about a medicine (all herbal) to try called Fertilaid for ttc. She had done extensive research to find what was wrong about it and to see why so many people were taking it…so I bought two months worth to give it a shot! Here’s to hope.

11. Dec 15, 2010 was the happiest day of my life thus far (besides when I said ‘I do’)…we found out we were PREGGERS!! In the almost 8 years we have been married we have never once saw a glimmer of hope and then it finally happened! A true miracle. I took 5 tests, I couldn’t believe it!

12. We welcomed our 1st neice: Onyx Pixie Gaige!

13. Witnessed the Lunar Eclipse on Dec. 21, 2010 in the wee hours of the morning, the hubbs woke me up and I grouchily went out side to fancy him. He took the photos, I take no credit…I wish I could b/c they’re fantastic!!

14. Worst day ever…Dec 27, 2010 – No heartbeat. I was a mom for 8 short weeks.

Resolutions for 2011?

1. Try to stop being bitter 2. Get Preggers and STAY that way 3. Blog more

*Next post I’ll try to share my baby story…I think it’ll be good for healing purposes, I need to find something that helps b/c of now nothing is working. I’ve tried crying (and I can’t seem to stop), I’ve tried comfort food and all I’ve done is gain weight, I’ve tried being bitter and hating pregnant women, I’ve tried praying for release of pain and all it took away was the physical but left the emotional. I hate emotional healing, it takes for freakin ever.

cd4…and in pain :(

My ChartI hate pain but I guess over the years of dealing with it day in and day out you get sort of used to it. I also hate that I cannot be a ‘normal’ woman without medication…it really sucks!! I don’t know if it’s okay to be angry about this but it makes me REALLY angry that I have to go through this. I almost wish people would go through some sort of pain in their lives so that they can sympathize with me but then I wish this on no one! What really takes the cake is when a really close friend tells you that she has pain and she deals with it without medication! What sort of ‘friend’ tells you that and implies that you are just being a baby? First off, YOU AREN’T ME AND YOU DON’T FEEL WHAT I FEEL, now I feel better. You know on Grey’s they ‘dance it out’…I feel like ‘screaming it out’.

I have an appointment with the Dracula Nurse this afternoon to see if I did indeed have a miscarriage or if I was just imagining the enormous amounts of tissue coming out of me. Mind you this is the nurse that told me to just ‘give up’ and it’ll happen b/c that’s what she did. ARGH! If I didn’t have a MC than I start my new round of Clomid tomorrow and hope for the baby lottery this month.

I’m so tired of ‘trying’ it’s hard work and I’m pooped! So, wish me luck this cycle b/c I feel like I’m gonna need it. At this point I would give anything to know that I could at least get pregnant. I feel as if we’re on a never-ending set of stairs and we keep getting pushed back to the first floor of this whole TTC journey. We moved forward a bit b/c I actually ovulated but that’s as far as it ever went. Let’s pray for another step in the RIGHT direction.

Sorry for my ramblings but this is how I vent…to save my marriage the strife!

Ugh…

That’s sort of how I feel…well, I have no other way to describe it. I sort of started a new cycle on Sunday, when I say sort of I mean I’m not sure what it was that came out of me!! We were at our friend’s house for the superbowl and I was in a ‘pain stupor’ for what seemed like FOREVER! I took a pain pill at 3, when that didn’t work I took two more at 6. I figured it would knock me out but to my amazement I was still in pain! We got there soon after and I put a heating pad to my abdomen.

BEWARE: gross stuff ahead, stop reading if you are any sort of squeamish!

I went to the bathroom to change out, ya know what, and there was this huge substance that I’ve never seen before and it scared the crap outta me! Went back to the sofa and started iPhoneing it up to see what I could find. The only thing that came close enough to what I was looking for was an early miscarriage…WHAT?!!! I never even knew I was prego, I mean I was 10 days late for AF but I took two HPT’s over a week ago and they were both negative. I called the doc yesterday but being typical they haven’t called back yet. I have a dear friend that had an early miscarriage a few months ago and she said it was the same thing for her and the exact same substance so that’s where I’m comparing mine to. If any of you reading this have had an early miscarriage and are okay talking about it would you give me some sort of insight as to what it should look like? Crazy question, I know, but I need it to settle me!!

So if AF did come and I’m just imagining what I saw I’m cd3 and good ole’ Clomid starts in 2 days!