I’m having a case of the Mondays

Is it some unwritten rule that every Monday is supposed to be crummy? I think so…but I’m still in search for that rule book. I got 9 hrs of sleep last night, yup, 9 but I’m still tired! Got to work a tad late (this is the norm) and there was a gas leak about 20ft away from my desk so the migranes have set in full force and don’t want to give. In order to clean out the office we opened all the doors…burrrrr!! I’m already a cold person (no pun) so that didn’t help at all. I have two projects due in the morning and BSF tonight so I hope I don’t have to miss it but I also don’t want to get fired. I’m sure my boss would feel ‘like a bad word’ if he fired me for going to BSF 🙂

I am on cd23 and 7dpo and I’m not as anxious as I was last cycle to get throught the 2ww but I’m still hoping/praying/begging/keeping my fingers crossed that we’ll have a good weekend (we’re testing Sun/Mon). But until then, because of my crummy Monday I’m feeling like a broken egg 😦 here’s some of my dark humor.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

This is me screaming!! I hate it when people try to give you ‘advice’…it’s really not necessary, really, and I do mean really. Please don’t give it if you have no idea what you’re talking about!

I get these stupid messages from someone who has no idea what I’m emotionally going through. Being an infertile is such a different feeling, than getting drunk and getting pregnant after one look. Just shut up and stop talking 🙂 You’ll make us all happier!

K, I’m done…

Moving on?

There’s a song that came on my Pandora station about 6 mo. ago and I have absolutely fallen in love with it. It’s called ‘In my arms’ by Plumb. It seriously makes me cry like a baby, seriously cry. It means so much to me b/c I see it as a mother’s love and everything a real mother would do for her little ones. I AM a mother, I don’t care what anyone says…I love my baby and even though I don’t get to meet him/her till I’m gone from this world nothing will ever change that love. This is where I cry:

Castles they might crumble,
Dreams may not come true,
But you are never all alone,
Cause I will always, always love you.

Here’s the best video I could find for viewing…not perfect but you get the point:

It’s a Christian song and I didn’t know that till months after I heard it but it works for this situation too…

I’m trying to heal but it’s harder than I thought, everyone keeps telling me I can’t stay upset and angry. I try to take the advice but I’ll see something and it’ll just set me off and I’ll cry uncontrollably. I got sent a stupid message through email from another girl who is pregnant (and it just happened for her after trying 1 month):

“I am really sorry that you lost your baby, and will keep you in my prayers. It must be the hardest thing ever. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.”

How am I to take this? I’m sure she means well but wow…just shoot me while you’re at it. So, I’m trying to move past this but wow it’s hard, everything reminds me of my baby.

Pray for me, I sure do need it.
-Serena

Sucky

Left out of everything…is totally uncool 😦

But on a good note, Gabe is finally coming home…the only good thing right about now. I’m just in a crap mood, yipee!

What a day );

HAHAHASo, today was my apt. with the new RE and well I almost feel as if I wasted 3 hours of my time. My insurance was approved for all diagnostic testing but after all was said and done they told me that 1 cycle of ‘Clomid Monitoring’ is$700!! Is that even worth it? That’s almost my mortgage payment. The next option is the IUI and that goes up to $950. I’m just not sure if I can afford to spend this on a few cycles, much less on 1! She was talking to me about not having fertile CM b/c of the Clomid so I was thinking of Pre-Seed, just not sure if it works. Today I think I’m just overwhelmed and in the discouraged section of this whole process. When is enough, enough?…that’s what I’m struggling with. I have faith in God that He will provide to His will for our family but there’s that desire placed in my heart. We will definitely adopt one day but my desire is so strong. I know I’ve said this before but it only gets harder when I spend so much time with our friend’s kiddos, I love them so and treat them as my own…I’m just patiently waiting for my turn. The only reason we’re in such a ‘hurry’ is b/c we don’t know how long I will have a chance to even possibly conceive. So, I’m off my whiny box;)

My Corpus Luteum

In the right pic you can see my Corpus Luteum, proof that I ovulated this cycle…and funny that it was from my right ovarie, b/c that’s where I was hurting during ovulation! She said that I had a ‘string of beads’ on my left ovarie just waiting. Lots-o-Blood

They had to do a full blood panel on me to check for any diseases, HIV, and the like.My blood I’m used to blood by now that it didn’t particularly phase me! I asked her if she minded that I took a pic and she chuckled a bit saying that she’d never had anyone do that before! Leave it to me to put people in awkward situations. She took 5 viles!!

So, I’m not sure what I really got out of this apt. other than I need to hit the lottery soon…but it will require my faith to build even stronger than it already is. I talked to Gabe after I got back to work and he relaxed me in my crazy emotions. He knows how much this hurts me, emotionally and physically, but doesn’t want me to give up. At first it was hard convincing him to want to bring a child into this world with my kind of medical problems but as the months/years have gone by he’s really looking forward to it. He talks about ‘our baby’ like we’re already pregnant, it’s the sweetest thing. So I leave you with another pic…a goodie bag they gave me: 19 days worth of Rx prenatals!Prenatals

cd17 & a peak!

ChildproofFor some crazy reason my monitor made me start testing early this month and I was a bit worried b/c I’ve had 9 ‘high fertility’ days and today was my last day to test and it finally said ‘peak fertility’…made me go nuts! So getting busy is the plan for today and the next few days. I so hope this happens this month, I know that we desire a BFP every month, but I go to the RE on Monday and how I would love to show up and them tell me I’m prego…that’d be sweet bliss. I have to get my head out of the ‘baby clouds’ and get back to work. Just some good news to share and that’s all.

Swimming SpermI found this really cute pic today on Flickr, I don’t know if you all would think it’s ‘cute’ but I did, lol!

Dear God,

Please, please, please, OH PLEASE let me get prego this month!

-Serena

cd4…and in pain :(

My ChartI hate pain but I guess over the years of dealing with it day in and day out you get sort of used to it. I also hate that I cannot be a ‘normal’ woman without medication…it really sucks!! I don’t know if it’s okay to be angry about this but it makes me REALLY angry that I have to go through this. I almost wish people would go through some sort of pain in their lives so that they can sympathize with me but then I wish this on no one! What really takes the cake is when a really close friend tells you that she has pain and she deals with it without medication! What sort of ‘friend’ tells you that and implies that you are just being a baby? First off, YOU AREN’T ME AND YOU DON’T FEEL WHAT I FEEL, now I feel better. You know on Grey’s they ‘dance it out’…I feel like ‘screaming it out’.

I have an appointment with the Dracula Nurse this afternoon to see if I did indeed have a miscarriage or if I was just imagining the enormous amounts of tissue coming out of me. Mind you this is the nurse that told me to just ‘give up’ and it’ll happen b/c that’s what she did. ARGH! If I didn’t have a MC than I start my new round of Clomid tomorrow and hope for the baby lottery this month.

I’m so tired of ‘trying’ it’s hard work and I’m pooped! So, wish me luck this cycle b/c I feel like I’m gonna need it. At this point I would give anything to know that I could at least get pregnant. I feel as if we’re on a never-ending set of stairs and we keep getting pushed back to the first floor of this whole TTC journey. We moved forward a bit b/c I actually ovulated but that’s as far as it ever went. Let’s pray for another step in the RIGHT direction.

Sorry for my ramblings but this is how I vent…to save my marriage the strife!

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